I'm A Man I'm 40

Once upon a time I was in my car behind a guy who was turning left, but didn’t leave me room to get around him so that I could turn right. My initial reaction was to make eye contact in his rear view (mirror) and let him know that I was pissed. Yeah that was a couple hours ago. Right after I did it I realized how ridiculous it was. The guy made an honest mistake. I was in no hurry to get anywhere. And really, what did he do? Cost me a couple of seconds.

It made me think of how much our state of mind affects our days and our lives. And the Days of our Lives. Thinking back to when I hated myself…man, I used to get so pissed in traffic. My life was out of control. I was just depressed and miserable and because my state of mind was so negative I looked for someone else to take the blame.

But, for life to get better I had to stop giving other people the finger and flip myself the bird instead. The first therapy session that made a real difference in my life happened for years ago today. My 36^th birthday. I was talking with my therapist about it on Monday and she mentioned how much I lacked confidence. I was a mess. Life beat me down and I just accepted it.

But, four years ago I decided to get on a path that I believed would change my shitty little life. I was sick of who I had become. I had totally lost what makes me great. I think the best way to describe it was my chin was on my chest and my eyes were downcast. I was so down and hated myself so much that I couldn’t really function. I was so stuck on the shit that was wrong with me that I really couldn’t enjoy life or see the beauty around me.

But, Grace told me everything was going to be just fine. And I believed her. I told her my story in my barely audible voice with my head down. And Grace took over from there. I was forgiven. Fucked up stuff had happened, but there were reasons for that and my therapist and I would look at them over the coming months and years.

It really is crazy to see how far I’ve come. Just the ease to my life these days is so nice. And that’s because I get to live my life as myself. I’m not trying to play a part that doesn’t suit me. I’m playing the part I was born to play. My name is MatthewBlakeAtkinson.

But, man it’s taken me 40 years to get comfortable with me. Having been through what I’ve been through though, it feels pretty fucking amazing to be coming into my own. Today I read a quote by Miranda July that says, “Do you ever feel like an extra in your own life?” Yeah. I get that. It feels so weird to be a leading man after having been an extra or an understudy for so long.

I played the part I was taught. But, man, what I’ve always wanted is to be real. To have people in my life who appreciate me talking about my real shit and feeling welcome to drop their shit on me. Life is a son of bitch sometimes. But, we can choose our mindset. We can choose to let shit out in healthy ways so that we don’t become the asshole I used to be when traffic or life didn’t go exactly my way.

I was thinking earlier about the people that say “just my luck”. Or the guy who I heard about last night who is convinced every time he’s at the bar that girls with boyfriends “eye fuck him”. So unlucky that they’re taken, right? Come on man. Make your own fucking luck. Talk to a girl. Assume the best. Work on your shit. Become a better person. Like me stuck behind the person turning left. I could either choose to unnecessarily be pissed at them or I could let that shit roll off my back and take that time to think about stuff that actually matters.

And what matters to me these days is changing my fucked up parts. Taking my weaknesses and wounds and putting them out in the open. I don’t have to be a victim and a chin down kind of guy. I can take control. And talk shit out. And write till I get my head straight.

And one of the things I need to get straight is that I’m a fucking writer. That’s who I am. There’s a piece of me that does the same thing as the guy who thinks he gets eye fucked. I write from a safe place. But, my therapist keeps encouraging me to work on getting published. The difference in how I feel about myself now versus how I felt about myself four years ago is like the difference between eye fucking and actual fucking. And I imagine the feeling I get when I finally do get published will be downright orgasmic.

Life begins at 40 bitches. Today that’s what I’ve become. I’ve got a great life, but I believe there’s actually more for me. My book that I’m reading (the Artists Way) talks about changing your mindset. I am a brilliant and prolific writer. I need to say that until I believe it. And then actually become it. I am the leading man in my story, but the character arc is still unfolding.

I’ve grown a ton. And I love that I’m done sugar coating or talking a certain way or trying to fit in. Just be yourself man and let the people and things that are supposed to be in your life fall into place around you. We’re not meant to be boxed or limited. We’re made to soar. But, life is so full of wing clipping bull shit…traffic and bills and drama. I’m really lucky to have writing and therapy to turn to when life is threatening to kick my ass. I’ve learned that I get to fight back. Because, I’m a man. I’m forty.