Kind of getting my ass kicked today, so I’m going to try to
write my way to the other side. It’s just been one of those weird days where it’s
hard to catch a break. Money owed me didn’t come when it was supposed to, so I couldn’t
do my job and lost hundreds of American dollars. Which, ya know, isn’t ideal
with Christmas coming up and promises already made to take the kids to Disneyworld
for spring break.
But yeah…it’s the kids…they are why I do all this. The battling.
The writing. The working. Tonight I asked myself, “what if it’s just not meant
to work out for me in this life?” and the only way I could really answer that
in an acceptable way was that it was fine as long as the kids end up with a
better childhood than I had. They’ve been through plenty of shit. But, they
have a confidence that I still don’t have.
And there’s some good fucking reasons for me to be
confidence free. It’s probably a wonder I like myself at all. The moment that
kicked my ass tonight was my lifelong battle. There can be dozens of people
telling me how great I am…how funny or real or deep or whatever, but their
praise gets drowned out by what I guess are my daddy issues.
I’ve always doubted myself because of what I grew up with,
but then I think through my significant female relationships and holy shit man…there’s
confirmation that my dad was right to put me on the back burner. The marriage,
this latest relationship disaster and the fleeting relationships in between
left me with the same shitty self-image that my dad instilled in me.
So, the struggle I’m having tonight is taking all the voices
that tell me I’m great and matching them up to the voices that tell me I’m not
worth much. It’s like…fuck yeah…I can intellectualize it all and get on the
good side of the equation, but it’s pretty fucking hard to ignore that it’s
always the people who claim they love me the most who end up fucking me over.
And that’s some hard shit to overcome…the people closest to me taking me for
granted or taking advantage of my kindness.
I have to battle every day to maintain or get back this
perception of myself that I’m good people. If I look at the facts of what has
happened in my significant relationships, it’s no wonder that’s a struggle for
me. “I love you” has somehow meant something else entirely when it’s been
directed at me. I’ve been let down and not listened to by a lot of the folks
that I assumed cared the most.
So, tonight I’m going to try to flip this shit with the
voices of three other people. I got a message this week from a friend that
said, “I’m baffled by your unwavering kindness.” I needed that. Because, as
mentioned above, my kindness tends to get abused instead of appreciated.
Another voice is always there when I need a pal. And there’s
no reason for her to be. She looks out for me. And wants what’s best for me. And
we’ve only met once face to face. Us meeting each other at all was random, but her friendship was key to
helping me through my night tonight and other nights just like this. I’m real. And I’m good people. That’s what
I heard her say.
The last voice has been my rock since right after the divorce.
He’s listened the whole fucking way and might be the only person who has. His patience
is extensive. I’m sure I would have wanted to kick my own ass a few times over
the years if I were in his shoes listening to the shit I put myself through.
But, the thing that has me in tears tonight is that he
invited me to thanksgiving dinner with his extended family. And god damn. I’m
thankful for that. I didn’t think ahead to how emotional of a day it’s going to
be for me. The kids will be with their mom. The bar that was my refuge on
lonely holidays isn’t there anymore. And nothing is left of the home I thought I
had with that one girl except brutal memories.
So yeah…cheers to the three voices that shone through the
chorus of “you're worthless matt”s that I had ringing in my ears tonight. It’s
easy to get stuck on the way I’ve been treated in relationships and let that
dictate how I feel about myself. Tonight, I’m saying fuck that. I deserve a
hell of a lot better. The people who hurt me are broken people. And when I give
away love and get back bull shit, that’s not on me.
So, I’m going to say fuck off to the voices that tell me I’m
something less than great. The kids need me to do that. And I need to do that
for myself. I’ve got a long way to go. I’ve got fresh wounds piled on top of my
preexisting wounds. And that’s not okay. But, I didn’t get a say…until now. I’m
fucking fighting back man. I’m broken people too, but I’m not going to give my
kids bull shit. I’m not going to give the people who are on my side bull shit.
Holy balls. I just had a flash back to 8 years ago. I was
100% convinced that no one was on my side. But…you know the story…a stripper…a
grandma…and ta da! 8 years later I’m still fucked. No, but really when I can
look back on that moment in the empty hotel room after getting kicked out of
the house by my wife and recognize how far I’ve come, tonight doesn’t seem so
bad. I’m alone. In this empty duplex. And it’s all good. I’ve been through
shit. And I’ve come out just fine.
A facebook friend tonight put up a post about how lonely the
holidays can be. Fuck yes. I loved being kept from my kids in 2007 while
enjoying a quick trip hot pocket by myself for Christmas dinner. Tonight is
better than that shit.
The thing is…I do like who I am now and I fucking hated
myself back then. And to get a little boost from other people who like who I am…it
means the world, because I really fucking needed it today. I can live with
myself these days, because I’m not a robot…I’m not a Christian, corporate
working, suburban husband. I’m real.
All right. That hit the spot. That’s what I needed to get
out. there is no kind of lonely like being misunderstood/not listened to by
your home. And that’s probably true of how I felt growing up and in my two
significant relationships. But, motherfucker…there’s got to be a home that fits
me better out there somewhere. If not, I have a great responsibility to riley
and blake…to understand them…to make them get that they’re special…and to make
them feel loved and at home when they’re with me. May they never feel the
worthless, lonely feelings that I had to battle through tonight.
Frank Turner has a great song called, “The Next Storm.” “Rejoice.
Rebuild. The storm has passed.” Fuck getting bullied into the fetal position.
Fuck relationships that make us less than we’re meant to be. I’m lucky to have
the people in my life that help me weather my storms. Cheers to you my friends.
And here’s hoping for some calmer seas. I’ll let Frank play us out…
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