hey look who's back (at failing at life in public)

I had one of those moments tonight where I could tell I turned a corner back towards the good side of me. I’ve been a pretty big mess these last several weeks, but I got back to listening to the music I love and it was a sturgill simpson line that got me tonight, “ain’t no point getting outta bed if you ain’t livin the dream”.

What the fuck have I been doing? Not writing is just not me. I had a facebook memory pop up tonight that was a convo I had with my daughter a year ago today about the parallels between how writing makes me feel and watching her pursue her youtube dreams. Do the stuff that gives you life. Fuck the stuff that takes away.

A year ago I was still trying in vain to process my last long term relationship. I couldn’t make sense of it. And ran my brain around in circles in vain. There was no sense to be made. The only thing that could be done was…move on.

And it’s crazy to think that was a year ago. It feels like a completely different lifetime. I feel old now. I’m going to be 45 next week. That’s fucking insane. I swear I just graduated college recently. The divorce process began 9 years ago. What the hell? How did I get here? Where am I going? Who the fuck am i?

I just feel rudderless and directionless and not my best me. But, I know that when I pound away at this keyboard I end up finding my footing. This was meant to be my rebuilding year. The year I lose a bunch of weight (actually succeeded at that one), got back on track financially (whoopsiedaisies) and felt fit to get back out into the social and dating world (another swing and a miss).

But, I caught myself earlier today being too hard on myself. I was damaged out of the box. I end up picking relationships with female humans that don’t help the healing process, sending me back to the fetal position I grew up in. and in that process the girls get hurt too, because they are damaged as well.

It’s lose, lose. And I don’t want that. For me or for the girl. And so, I’ve kind of put myself in time out these last several weeks. I haven’t gone out at all. I’ve gotten back on track with writing every day and focusing on the kids and work, but it just isn’t me to have zero social interaction with adults.

The dive bar world used to be where I made my home. But, I’ve had 4 different bars not work out. that can’t be coincidence, right? I don’t need to keep trying new bars, I need to figure out different ways to be social. And I’ve got nothing.

I know how to drink too much. And make friends with strangers. But, maybe I don’t know how to make friends sober. I just want to laugh again. And trade stories. And enjoy life. Last year about undid me. And I had some positive momentum going this year and let myself get my ass kicked again.

I don’t need a girl friend. Or a mate for my soul. But, I’m not the kind of guy who is meant to be home alone. I crave interaction with humans. And yet I know I still have work to do on my own. I need to get back to being comfortable hanging out at my place by my own self.

I was struck this week by the number of lonely people there are out there. I have zero to complain about. I have a great fucking life. My kids are a dream. I can’t even imagine better kids. blake is doing great at his new school. Riley is youtubing it up and hating school, just like you’re supposed to in the 8^th grade.

But, man…I get on these dating apps. For no good reason. And the lonely in the eyes of these ladies is painful. I laughed at myself today, because the vast majority of women on those dating apps, I’m not interested in…but…lucky for me of the ones I am interested in, the vast majority of them are uninterested in me. It works out great. I get to sit at home typing instead of dating, which is just as rewarding I’m sure.

The last time I went out was Saturday November 12^th. But, that probably doesn’t count because I went to iowa. Before that I really can’t even remember. I guess I’ve been thinking I’ve been doing the right thing by being responsible and staying in, but man…think back…to the uber driver conversations. And random convos with bartenders. Stories happen when I go out. I make myself laugh all the time when I stay in, but it’s not the same. I have to get back out there. And experience the kind of things that get me back to blogging.

This is when I feel alive. Not when I’m with a girl who temporarily makes me feel unlonely. Lonely is my thing for now and that’s fine. There are a painful number of people who experience lonely on a level that I’ll never know. Just ask tinder. So, to help those lonely ladies feel less alone, I need to quit being a solo artist and get back to failing at life in public. What the fuck have people been doing not having me to point and laugh at? Welcome home, kid...get outta bed, live the dream. repeat if necessary.