Bru-tiful

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. Story time is my fuel. Hearing other people’s stories while sharing my own is what keeps me going. I write about story time over and over again in these pages. The “I’m fucked up/you’re fucked up” conversational model. Flipping the Christian finger pointing that I grew up with and instead pointing that same finger at myself, using story to illustrate how fucked up I am.

Over the years, I’m sure there are plenty of people who have gotten really tired of me telling facebook that I’m a fuck up. Eye roll. “We already knew that matt.” But, I keep banging away at my keyboard anyway, because I don’t write for those people.

I write because I have to and because of how it makes me feel. But, I also write to open up a story time portal to anyone who can relate and wants to talk about the real.

Getting shit out feels good. And it sucks to live with so much of life’s shit bottled up. That was me pre-divorce. The pre-therapy me. Stuff was fucking awful. but, it was made so much worse, because I didn’t have a safe place to get shit out.

And my therapist was the first person that made me feel uncrazy. I was real with her. and she didn’t judge. She listened. But, the “oh my fucking god this feels good” moment was realizing that she got me. She heard my story. The worst of my shit. And she still saw the good in me...the real me. But, it wasn’t just that she could see the real me, it was that she saw (and convinced me that) the real me was fucking beautiful.

Life changer.

Dead man. Back to life. That was almost 10 years ago. At church one day, I told God, “fuck this. Come get me if you’re real.” and he did. I do believe that. I don’t believe in organized religion. But, I do believe in God. And I do believe that if I had stayed on the path I was on after I got kicked out of the house, I might not be here today.

But, you know. typical story. Tell god to fuck off and then a stripper steps in and her smile saves your life. “We already knew that Matt.” Boring. Get some new material.

That’s the thing. We have a story. And we tell our story. And it feels good to be real with another human. And they tell their story. And it makes us feel more human that our two stories have parallels. And I think every single fucking time I tell “the same boring story” I learn something or I feel something. It matters to talk shit out.

And so I don’t fucking stop. I talk and I talk and I talk because the avett brothers encouraged me one time to “scream till I die or the last of the bad thoughts are finally out.” one little lyric. That perfectly sums up why I blog. Over and over again I’ll hear this lyric or be reminded of that movie line. And it’s the sweet spot that is where the writer’s story and my story intersect.

Tonight, I had the most ridiculous story time I will ever have. 3 hours. With my daughter. It’s actually hard to process that she’s this grown up and that actually just happened.

It started with her asking me if she could read me what she wrote for her English assignment. “is this a trick question?” yes please. So, she’s about to read it and then she realizes I haven’t read The Book Thief. And she proceeds to give me the most amazing play by play of the whole book.

It was so cool, because she detailed the parts that were important to her. what she related to. or what impacted her. she was made to feel things by the art the author created. And then she read me her work. And it was just beautiful.

The book is set in the time of the holocaust. And I guess essentially what she wrote was a reprise of the lyric from U2’s song Grace, “grace makes beauty out of ugly things.” The backdrop and much of the book is brutal. But, some of the people in it and the things they do for others is beautiful.

The point of the assignment had to do with taking note of that dichotomy…where the brutal and the beautiful intersected. I can’t remember the exact title of her paper, but it had the word “Bru-tiful” in it. Smart kid.

But, oh my god man. That. Is. It. Everything I write about. Everything I care about. All the sudden I’m in an in depth conversation with my 14 year old daughter about the real. the whole scene was surreal. Life is brutal. My story is no fun. But, there’s so much beauty in who I’ve become by simply telling whoever will listen the brutal parts of my story.

Everybody’s story is brutal. And everybody is beautiful. Talk it out. scream it. Overshare. In so doing, you’ll find your people. Riley talked about a friend group she used to have. And contrasted it with a particular friend she has now.

As she’s telling the story, I noticed that her old friend group took her away from who she really is, while her other friend not only makes her feel more like her real self, she also helps her become a better version of herself. Riley responded, “mind blown.”

There were at least five instances like that where riley said things like, “wait…can I take notes?” or “that’s a really good point. I’d never thought of that.” It was way overwhelming. All the battling I do. All the writing. All the fighting to keep my head from drowning in a sea of negative thoughts and self-loathing. There’s a point to all of it.

My kids have a chance that I never did.

And to already have gotten to share time with my daughter like I did tonight. holy crap that feels amazing. We talked in depth about youtube. And how there are beauty gurus. And other experts. But, I pointed out the absence of “real” gurus.

Riley started out a recent video, by pointing out the huge pimple on her forehead. Not “hey look at how well I can put on make-up” but rather “I’m a mess.” I told her how endearing that is. We talked about one youtuber who has 7 million subscribers. She’s gorgeous. But, 99% of her subscribers can’t relate.

They’re not pretty and famous and watching her all the time would only make me feel worse about myself if I was the average teenage girl. I’m not. Technically. Riley brought up another youtuber who is over 200 pounds, but is so comfortable in her own skin.

Normal people can relate to that.

Doing videos that are just like the videos everyone else does will turn her into what I called a robot youtuber. The 7 million subscriber girl talks about “having to shoot 3 videos”. It’s a job. It’s work. The more heavyset girl is just herself. Her channel is who she is. She’s natural.

And that was the difference between me being an accountant who got fired. And writing all the time for no pay. I love to write. It feels good. We don’t need to march to the beat of the same drum everyone else does we need to…damn…just read this last night from a blog post I wrote six years ago about riley asking me why there are teen moms, (brad pitt’s character in a river run’s through it) finds "a rhythm of his own, outside his father’s instruction.”

That. Is what I want for riley. we had this convo tonight because i found a rhythm outside my father's instruction. and my hope for her is that she learns to love herself and finds her own voice on youtube and in real life. the real her is lovable. and the more she's able to present that and the less she comes off like an expert, the more real her channel will be. maybe. i don't know. i gave her input like that. but, it's up to her to do whatever the heck she wants. she created this channel out of thin air. and has almost 4,000 subscribers. that's amazing.

but, it was so cool tonight that she received my words so readily. i think it really sunk in to her that it’s not about looking like everyone else. And acting like everyone else. And fitting in. and being popular. Because, ultimately you become someone you’re not in order to be who you think people want you to be. It’s so much more comfortable to be yourself. Swim upstream. There aren't nearly as many people who are going that way, but the ones who are, are often solid gold.

And that’s where you get into the best conversations. A year ago riley was a complete stranger to five other kids from around the country. But, they all had a youtube dream. And ended up together in Anaheim this summer for a youtube conference. It was the cutest thing watching how they greeted each other and how hard it was to say goodbye. one of their last pictures together was everyone doing "the riley" pose.

Swim upstream. Find your people. Drop the real on them. Feel pure joy when they can relate. Bru-tiful.