all you need is just a little latex

What a weird day. It started with a visit to the private screening room with an airport security guy giving me more action than I’ve gotten in months. i found out latex gloves do it for me. I got at least a half chub. after the security guy and i smoked a cigarette together, the kids and I made it to seattle. And it was all sorts of fun to walk around pike place with them and see them get to see sights that they’d never seen. My mom was from seattle. She would have liked to hear the kids say, “that was the best hot dog I’ve ever had.” Everything is better on vacation.

Except that empty bedroom in your rental house where 6 months ago, we had planned for my girlfriend to be staying. I got to go ahead and do some ugly crying on that note. And that is not my best look. It was equal parts snot and drool. I couldn’t see through the tears. I ended up writing some mean shit to her, just to make sure she felt included.

But, a weird thing happened. We ended up getting the closure we’ve been needing for a while. It was a cordial break up. And then it wasn’t and this week it fucking went backwards to an extreme that led to today’s unending tears. But, that all ended up working out for the best, because today we wished each other well and meant it.

And so with the emotion of the day, I was a little scared to head up to the rooftop patio of my rental house. It was supposed to be Sarita and my space to have a night cap and watch the sunset, but tonight it was just me and my latex gloves. Damn. That’s actually a good idea. Tomorrow.

But, really…it was just me and a view of water to one side and mountains to another and it just dawned on me that the sunset never happened it was hidden by some trees and the nightcap didn’t either and the ex-girlfriend wasn’t there, but it was all okay.

I had this feeling like look how big this world is. Look how beautiful the world is…even without the sunset and the girl on your arm. And my problems became really small in that moment. I’m tiny. I’m one guy. And to spend hour after hour crying and writing and feeling hurt has got to come to a stop. There are people who have it a lot worse than I do.

And when I’m able to get back to a more normal mental state, the kids are going to have it so much better. And I really appreciated Sarita tonight acknowledging a) how great my kids are and b) how the break up was going to free me up to focus on being a dad. That had to be a really hard thing to say knowing she was missing the trip. But, she wished for us that this trip would be the beginning of a better life for us. And that’s what I want for her too. We wrecked each other. There’s got to be something better in store for both of us.

And as i was standing on the roof pondering life, I just wanted to write. It’s the thing that gives me life. I need to cut down or cut out the things that do the opposite of that. And this weekend I was an absolute drunk idiot at my 25 year reunion. I ended up in a car with 3 strangers. I somehow made it home anyway, but I just have to be better than that.

My life means something when I’m writing and telling stories. I’ve already done the reliving of my college days these last 7 years. I was Christian in college and didn’t drink or sex anyone until there was a ring on my finger. And when that god damn ring came off I was ready to let jack daniels help me meet some unlucky ladies.

But, now maybe it is time for me to get to that new beginning and try a different approach. I have something to give. Of fuck me. I’ve said I’m going to write a million times. I’ve said I’m going to change. But, you know what…this time…I’m probably not going to do it once again. But, I have a therapist. I have my friends. So anything is possible. I get to be lonely again. I need it. Every relationship I get in blows the fuck up. I need to fix my shit.

The kids deserve a lot better out of me. I’ve been so busy feeling sorry for myself, I miss the fact that most people would kill to have kids like riley and blake. I can’t wait to see what else they love about this vacation. So far, they want to move here as long as their whole school and all their friends move here too. And we haven’t even gotten the VIP tour at the Sons of Norway hall yet. it can only get better. Get busy living Atkinson…you’ve been letting yourself die and have not been yourself for way too long.