What a weird day. I dropped the boy off at school for his
first day of 5th grade. Psschhhtt. No problem for that kid. It’s the
school he’s been attending since he was in pre-K. This year, he has the same
teacher he had last year and all the same kids in his class. Not a hard
transition. Although, he did seem to suffer from a little bit of separation
anxiety, but not from me…from minecraft, which became his bff this summer.
And then there’s the girl…
Dear Riley,
I dropped you off at the park today so that you could walk
to 7th grade. I couldn’t stop crying then and I can’t now. Oh man, I
was so nervous for you. Only 3 kids from your elementary school were headed to
your middle school and I remember how awful it was for me walking in to the 8th
grade after moving here from Michigan.
My heart was in my throat off and on all day. Is she going
to be able to open her locker? How is lunch going to go? You went from
outstanding 6th grade girl at your old school to knowing virtually
no one at the new school. Oh man, that’s a big change.
But, then I got that call after school. And heard the tone
of your voice. And asked how it went and you just kept talking. Well, I saw
this girl from church in the lunch room and asked if I could sit with her. And
had a couple of her friends in some of my classes. And all my teachers were so
nice and I got to my classes on time and…why the heck was I worried,
sweetheart.
Of course you’re going to succeed. I was thinking about me
the whole time. You’re bright, likeable and funny just like me, but you’re
something i never was at your age…confident. That brings so many tears to my
eyes because I’m so happy that you believe in yourself already.
When I pictured you going in to school, I pictured myself. That’s
the only reason I was nervous. I had so much trouble learning to fit in in 8th
grade. You? Not so much. I’m so proud to call you my daughter.
And you know what? I wanted to tell
you a story about me doing something for you today...if you want to be proud of me too, well, that's up to you. Ahhh. And see…I cannot wait
to keep having story time with you and your brother as you guys grow up and set
the world on fire.
Story time is my favorite time. Our talks at Target or the
grocery store. So and so has how many followers on youtube? And other concerns
of a little girl. You’re the cutest.
Anyway…let’s get on with my story. I wrote you one of these
letters a few months ago. It was your birthday and predictably, I was in tears
then too. you had just turned 12 and had gone to bed. I came downstairs and Sarita
and I talked about the day. It didn’t go well. The day. Or the talk really. All
it did was make me sad…sad that at some point on your special day, my grown up
issues got in the way of your happiness. My head was distracted.
So, I did what I do when that happens…I wrote. I wrote you a
note telling you how sorry I was for everything I’d ever screwed up with you
and blake. I screw up sometimes. And I love it that you’re well aware of that, rather
than thinking your daddy is perfect.
But still, it was a really sad note to write, one because I knew
you’d been hurt whether you knew it or not and two, because I think I knew at
that time that what was best for you me and blake was for me and Sarita to
split up.
And that was really hard to do. It took me a few months. And
I started to get a little bit more like myself only to start talking to Sarita again
right before our trip to seattle. when we started talking again, parts of our talks were great. There was some
grace and some healing. And parts of our talks were the opposite. But, the
worst thing was I was back to your birthday…distracted. I had a blast on
vacation with you kids, but my head was only there off and on…and what an
awful present to give you and your brother.
When I booked the trip, Sarita was supposed to come with us
and although she didn’t use her ticket, I brought her along by constantly
messaging back and forth with her. And for the last two and a half weeks, my
head has been distracted as Sarita and I have battled through the same problems
that plagued us before.
We care about each other, but we hurt each other. And, the
problem is that when that’s happening, that’s exactly what I do to you and your
brother. I care, but me being distracted ends up hurting you. So, today, I flipped
it. I chose you guys. I want your problems to be the ones I focus on. I wished Sarita
all the best and by so doing opened back up my distracted mind, so that I can
be a better dad to you guys.
The thing is the reasons I treated Sarita badly were because
of my issues when I was a kid. And that’s why she treated me badly too. I couldn’t
keep feeling that pain, because it added to your childhood pain and the issues
you’ll have some day. So, i had to make a change.
I said goodbye to Sarita today and texted my friend to go
meet for a drink to talk about it. He was busy and thank god…because I wrote
instead. And what would have been anger, turned into peace…I knew I made the
right decision.
And that was further confirmed when I realized instead of
going to the bar, I needed to get the boxes unpacked and get your rooms all
ready…to make our new home more homey for you guys. And a funny thing happened
in that moment…once I put you kids first, I wasn’t lonely in this empty house
anymore. I wasn’t worried about when Sarita was going to text me next. I had to
let her go for us. I want to do a better job of being there for you guys. And I
know it’s confusing, because you guys loved Sarita and her dog, but maybe she
and i love each other so much that we just needed to let each other go so that
we’d stop hurting each other. And stop hurting you and blake. I’m not happy
with myself for the ways you were hurt by me having that unhealthy
relationship. but, hopefully we'll remember some of the good times too and those will be the memories we take with us, instead of the negative stuff that was going to keep hurting everyone if we kept going about things the same way.
That’s it kiddo. Just wanted to share the story now, before I
get old and forget things. I love you. And the things that help me love you
better are writing and therapy…oh…see that’s the other thing when Grace took a
fall and stopped seeing me, I fell too. so, I gotta get back to having a
therapist walk with me through my issues, so that i can be more in tune with preventing yours.
And isn’t it funny how, despite my shortcomings as a dad,
you and blake are still awesome? I’m blessed. and I want to give you a great
last few years of childhood. And I hope we can always have story time no matter
what. I’m not perfect, but I did a good thing for you today. Sarita and I could
have kept going and both of us…all 4 of us…would have been even more saddened
by how much the adults ended up wrecking each other.
Did you know your dad is bad at relationships? I’m on a 7th
grade level. So, I guess you could say that your first day of 7th
grade was my last day of my 7th grade-ish relationship with Sarita. I
screwed up a lot of things with her and with you guys in the process. And I need
to grow up. I don’t want to hurt you guys anymore and I don’t want to hurt Sarita
either. This day did not go at all as expected, but I hope we look back and
remember it as one of our best.
Have a kick ass summer and stay cool.
Love,
Daddy
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