hi

These last few days have been maybe my best days ever. Blake has been at KU basketball camp this week. It’s his first time staying away from home for more than a sleepover. So, Riley and I got 48 straight hours together…just the two of us, which has never happened.

It started with a shocker for me…she actually asked me to help her film for her Youtube channel. Her mom has always done that, so it was an honor to learn how to do “motion shots now daddy” or “right to left.” It was so cute to see the real, live action shots that become the clips she uses for her channel. She spotted a building that had stars painted on the side of it, so we pulled over and used that as the backdrop.

And after she explained what kind of conditions she looks for when she does a youtube shoot, we drove around town…the crossroads, Westport, city market…looking for places that would provide good locations for her to shoot in the future. And once I became part of the creative process for her channel, she promptly lost 5 subscribers. Oops. I hope it was just a coincidence. She’s gained those back now and then some and is up to 865 subscribers. She was so excited when she hit two hundred like four months ago. It’s crazy how well she’s been doing with it.

When we weren’t youtubing, we were doing our normal daddy daughter stuff, like going to Costco and target, which have always been places we go together just to chit chat about life. It’s the cutest thing. She’ll just tell me about whatever is on her mind as we go up and down every single aisle. This time I mixed in a few fancy shops around town with the help of a friend's recomendations. Urban Provisions was super cool. And riley really liked Bunker. And dinner at the Jacobson was delicious. When we were home, we watched movies as I worked on my business and riley worked on her youtube empire. And that was fun for me, because she usually does that kind of thing in her room by herself. At one point she said something about how I'm fun to hang out with and I should have framed that moment, because it’s nuts to me that my 13 year old daughter likes to spend time with me.

She even willingly came with me to watch blake at basketball camp today. I went on Monday also and was a little nervous for him, because there are some really good players at camp. He seemed a little tentative. But, today he was doing great…knocking down shots and high fiving other kids. it’s been a great experience for him.

He and riley haven’t been away from each other for this many nights ever. So, each night when he face times his mom and me, he asks to talk to riley too. and he’s really chatty about everything going on…the KU players he’s met…how his team is doing, etc. his team lost their first two games, but won their two games last night. And he was really hoping that riley and I would come watch his games tonight, but she was at her mom’s. so, I surprised him and drove up there again to see him play.

And the night provided one of my proudest dad moments. His teammates are good players. Very good ball handlers and they understand the game and are always moving and making good cuts. Blake is new to all that kind of stuff, so it was so cool to see him working hard at it.

His defense was amazing. Neither kid he guarded in either game scored a single point. And in fact, one kid, who probably had six inches on blake hid behind one of the coaches at one point and pointed to blake and said, “I don’t want HIM guarding me.” Ha! But, he really was getting after it off the ball. Using his body, fighting for position, getting some great rebounds.

And his team ended up taking down the camp’s only undefeated team in game 1. The games are short and are low-scoring, but blake made a couple of nice baskets in the first game. And in the second he nailed a 3 pointer and had a pretty assist on the bucket that sealed the 15-11 win.

And just seeing him look over at me for the thumbs up I kept giving him…so great. He’d give it a cool guy half-smile, but you could tell he was so proud of himself and happy that I was there to watch him succeed. Between games he’d come over and sit with me and we’d talk about different plays. And after the second win, he ran right to me and gave me an empathic low five. All that was cool and I told him how proud I was of him, but my big moment was when I got home and had a text from him that just said, “hi”. Which is blake-speak for “I’m really glad you came daddy.”

And, see that’s the thing. We couldn’t have had that moment if I hadn’t decided to make one more trip to Lawrence based on him telling me he wanted me to come to his game. Erring on the side of the kids. man, that’s it. I’ll work tomorrow. Tonight was the boy’s night, just like the last few days have been all riley.

And it’s moments like these that make me incredibly proud of the dad I’ve become. I battled hard in the middle of the day today after I dropped riley off at her mom’s. I had been awaken in the middle of the night last night by a nightmare about one of my ex-girlfriends and it brought up a bunch of awful memories. And that was piled on top of some shit I had to deal with over the weekend in regards to my decision to make sure I keep my dad out of my kids' lives.

My sister and I battle every single day because of what we went through as kids and I’m not going to subject the kids to my dad at all, in hopes of giving them a better chance in this life than I was given. So, when my ex-wife went against her word to the kids that she would respect their decision to stay away from my dad and tried to schedule time at my dad’s house this summer without telling me. Man…it’s inexcusable. I’m trying to do what I can to protect the kids and their mom is trying to undo that and in so doing, confused the hell out of the kids.

I can’t stand for that shit. The kids and I had to have another talk about stuff that should be the furthest thing from their minds. They should be knocking down three pointers and shopping for 4^th of july decorations for an upcoming youtube video, not being subjected to a tug of war. Err on the side of caution. Keep the kids out of harm’s way. That’s my job.

And to have that job be made more difficult by the one who has done so much to fuck with my head over the years…it’s exhausting. it takes so much energy. energy i should be putting into the kids or work or anything, but dealing with shit like that. And then to have that dream about the ex and be flooded with memories of how not only did she pick other people over me constantly, but she just wasn’t a friend to me at all when you look at the big picture. That’s brutal to realize when I was sure it was safe and home that I had with her.

So, it’s the layers. My childhood shit. The divorce shit is piled on top of that. And the recent break up on top of that. And it’s all just too fucking much. So, I write it out. each day. And I got done writing today and had control back and that’s when I decided to go to blake’s camp. And I couldn’t otherwise have gotten the feeling I got watching him know he had done well. And know that I was there cheering him on and was incredibly proud of him. I’ll never forget it.

I randomly was playing some modest mouse this week and the line that fits perfectly for today is from their song, “the View”… “if it takes shit to make bliss, then I feel pretty blissfully.” If I hadn’t had all the shit from my dad and my exes fucking with my head this week, tonight wouldn’t have felt like such fucking bliss. It was magic, man.

And to fucking know that it started with a nightmare, but turned into this beautiful dream come true. Ahhhhhhhh. Shit it feels good. I was lamenting my luck the other day. Many people who have said the words “I love you” to me over the years have ended up being enemies to my mental health. Is it ever going to work out for me? Fuck that thought, man. It doesn’t matter. If it does, it does. But, my job…my only job is to make sure it works out for riley and blake. And all the writing and lonely and pain I go through and work through is for them.

And may they never know the other song lyric that kicked my ass this week…“I don’t need any help to be breakable, believe me.” Slipped by The National. Yeah man…I’m fucking fragile. But, I’ll keep piecing myself together, working through my shit, trying like hell to become a functional dad for two kids who deserve the very best. Hoping for many more “hi” moments with these two. i walked away from that last relationship. and from the marriage. and from my dad. for moments just like what i've gotten to experience these last few days. bliss > shit.