The first one was Everclear’s “Wonderful.” I guess I’d never really listened to the lyrics. They really hit home. The song starts with a little kid with a chaotic home life. He closes his eyes. And wishes everything was wonderful.
God, I remember being that kid…living uncomfortably. But, outsiders looking in on our family kept telling me everything was wonderful. It was a mind fuck for little me. I couldn’t reconcile feeling unsafe and uncomfortable with people telling me I must laugh all the time and that I was so lucky to have the dad and mom I had.
I just had a flashback to being in my bed at night. I would tell myself that the chirping of the crickets meant that Spiderman was coming. Things would be better then. He’d save the day. I’d be safe.
I also had this memory of dying to feel special. I’d sit in my bed and think of things I could do to get girls to like me. One night I thought, “I know. I’m going to walk on my hands at recess tomorrow.” So, I jumped out of bed to practice and of course fell over immediately.
I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel special. Things were unhealthy at home, but wrongly labeled “wonderful”. The song says, “Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now.” I need to look at life as it really is, not how it looks on the surface.
Which takes us to the next song I heard today…“Piano Man”. Yeah…that’s where I’ve ended up. At the corner bar where everybody knows my name. It’s safe to talk about how fucked up life is. It’s okay to be honest about divorce and childhood pain and other unhealthy parts of life.
But, just like it was easy to get stuck in the world of fake that I grew up with, it’s easy to get stuck at the corner bar. The line that struck me was “I’m sure that I could be a movie star, if I could get out of this place.” The bartender desires to be somewhere else. So does everybody. But, their solution to share a drink called loneliness and to forget about life for awhile is temporary.
They might get that temporary feeling of satisfaction that the fourth jack and coke gives you. Or they might always have the memory of that time they had the whole bar singing along with them on Karaoke night as they belted out Tenacious D’s “Fuck Her Gently."
But, ultimately the same type of need I had as a kid to feel safe…to feel special…I brought to the bar. But, the bar can only do so much. It’s nice to have that feeling of acceptance. To share drinks with people just as fucked up as I am, but it’s also easy to settle in and call that life. I think there might be more. I think there are certain relationships and situations we need to move on from in order to be healthier.
The next song on my soundtrack was “I Will Survive”. “I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry. Now I hold my head up high. And you see me…somebody new. Not that chained up little person still in love with you.”
I love that. That’s 2011 Matt. I am holding my head up high. I had spent most of my life trying to figure out how to heal, or really trying to figure out how to avoid, the wounded little kid inside of me. Four years ago I started down this path. I started writing in earnest and going to therapy and looking for answers. And it’s no longer, “I will survive.” It’s no longer I’m lucky to just get by. Somehow I’m thriving.
But, to get here has not been without pain. The next song was “Hungry Heart”. Like the guy from the song, I had to leave my marriage. That fucking sucked. But, I trusted that my therapist could see things that I couldn’t. The unhealthy that my ex wife and I grew up with spread like a fucking disease until our marriage relationship was infected beyond repair.
But, man that idea of the hungry heart. I love that. I still long for that. “Everybody needs a place to rest. Everybody wants to have a home.” And I find rest and I find home with every new person I can be completely real with.
There’s something magical that happens when we tell the truth about our fucked up lives. And that’s where the last song comes in. Death Cab for Cutie’s “You Are a Tourist.” It talks about a “burning in your heart.” That’s what I get when I write. That’s what I get when I have story time with other people. That’s life for me man. How I make my money or what I look like or any of the other things that the world says are important. Fuck that man.
Give me that burning in my heart. Give me that feeling that I’m alive. I want to put myself in positions where life is meaningful. I can take on my past and battle through the ways it still affects me. And I can come out better for it. Oh shit…this feeling. Just taking a few minutes to write about seemingly random songs…that weren’t random at all. I love this fucking life. It’s like I’m walking around on my hands when I used to think that’s what my feet were for. And Spider Man is saying, “See…I told you everything would be wonderful someday.”
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