This week she did it again, but stepped over the line. But, I’ll be a son of a bitch if she didn’t step right back up the next time and serve another ace. And then another. The last one was a really cool moment. I think she had come to believe she was the worst player on the team. And felt a little self-conscious that she couldn’t make it over the net like the other Volley Girls.
She’s good at most everything she does, so I think it bugs her that she wasn’t an insta-star on the third grade volleyball circuit. It’s fun to watch her, because in between plays you can see her talking to herself and putting her arms in ready position, even swinging those arms at an imaginary ball. She so wants to succeed, but so doesn’t believe in herself yet.
And that’s why the final serve she got over the net was so cool. She kind of had this dazed, “how the hell did I do that?” look on her face, but when she came to...all of the girls on the team ran over to her to give her a high five. That look was priceless. It was kind of a “wait, maybe there’s hope for me yet.” She just wore this authentic, humble, shy smile.
I could so relate to it. Volleyball hasn’t come naturally to Riley, but she has flashes which prove she’s getting there. Life has been like that for me. For most of my life I felt like Riley looks when she talks to herself and flails at a volleyball that isn’t there. Like, there’s this game of life going on all around me, but I’ve been missing out on it. Instead of being free to just enjoy the game, I’ve been too busy thinking that I don’t measure up to the rest of the competition.
The quote that comes to mind is from Matchbox 20’s “Unwell”. “Talking to myself in public. Dodging glances on the train. I know they’ve all been talking bout me. And I can hear them whisper. And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me.” Ohhhh man…that feeling. Talking to myself. Feeling like there’s something wrong with me. The feeling Riley had at volleyball. The feeling I’ve had my whole life. It’s just painful.
But, then that moment comes where you realize you’ve had it wrong the whole time. They are talking about you. They are whispering about you. But, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. It’s because they’re on your side. They’re waiting for you to have some success on your own. To hit that serve over the net. Finally. And they can’t wait to rush up and high five you.
That’s exactly what life feels like for me right now. Wait, what? This whole time everyone in my world has thought the world of me? Appreciated me for who I was. But, I was too busy talking to myself to listen to them. I was listening to the fucked up voice inside my head instead of the chorus of voices telling me I’m great.
It’s like I’m unfrozen cave man lawyer. Or Rip Van Winkle. I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Was Phil Hartman one of those guys? The point is I’m waking up. Like I’ve lived through a bad dream, but all the sudden I’ve got this same smile on my face every day that Riley had on the volleyball court today. I’m just so fucking happy to be here.
And it’s funny how it took writing to remind me of that. On Friday I found out that I’m going to lose my job as of November 30th. For the last couple months I’ve been writing 3 stream of consciousness pages every morning. But, I didn’t do them yesterday or today. I just sat down to write them and the thoughts above came out.
Before I sat down my head was in a fucked up place, but I didn’t even know it. It took writing…which I’m realizing is like breathing for my soul…to get me back on track. I was thinking about all of my expenses. And how used to making good, easy money I’ve become. I was getting worried. And anxious. And shit man, Christmas is coming and all that bull shit. And I’m going to have to apply for tons of jobs. And why am I so lacking in savings.
But, man that was focusing on all the wrong things. All those things are on the surface. What really matters is underneath. And the soul work I’m doing is what’s going to matter in the long run. I can pay the bills a lot of different ways (when you heard me say that did you think “man whore”, because that’s what I thought). But, one thing I’m not willing to do is sell my soul back to the mainstream.
On the way to work the other day I was thinking how most people live life at surface level. Like we’re all frantically treading water, but have to put on these happy faces so that other water treaders will think that we have it all together.
But, real life is below that. When you can dip below the surface and admit you’re fucking drowning…that’s when life gets good. Because you see a bunch of other people drowning too and you realize you’re not alone…you’re not the only one talking to yourself about how fucking hard it is to keep treading water when you just don’t have any strength left.
Oh shit…I just realized that the moment Riley had today when she was shocked to see everyone coming to high five her…that’s equivalent to finally giving up keeping up appearances, letting yourself drown, realizing there are tons of other people just like you and all the sudden your soul is fitted with SCUBA gear and your life becomes that fucking “Under the Sea” song from the Little Mermaid.
Wait, I don’t have to live at the surface? I can face the real? I can enjoy life as it’s meant to be? The treading water/doggie paddle days are over? Free at last...they took your life...they could not take your pride. The surface takes your life, it's exhausting. But, living under the sea...living in the real and flourishing. Oh man that's where it's at. And all you have to do to get there is drown. Drown out those fucking voices that tell you that the real world is something it isn't. Quit buying into looking good and saying everything is fine. On the surface everything looks fine, but it is so not fine. Fuck the surface. Come dive with me.
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