I Took Up My Pen In Earnest and Began to Live

The other day a good pal texted me this Herman Melville quote, “I took up my pen in earnest and began to live; since then, scarcely a week has gone by when I do not feel myself unfolding within myself.” That’s what this stretch of life feels like to me.

I’m writing more now than ever before. And the resulting feeling is exactly what Melville describes. I feel myself unfolding within myself. I sit down at the blank page, because something in life strikes me. I start to write about that thing only to find that there’s something within me that relates to it…that feeling or idea within gets unfolded and unfolded again and suddenly my soul is given a voice…through the tool of writing it is able to teach and articulate the thoughts and feelings that initially brought me to the page.

It really is a crazy phenomenon. I’m able to teach myself. I know things that I don’t even know I know. I start writing and light is shed on things that I couldn’t have seen if I hadn’t looked at them via the written word.

What it makes me realize is that writing is my thing. It’s where I belong. It’s who I am. Even the lightness I’m experiencing in my body right now as I write is part of it. There’s this effortlessness. This feeling of belonging and purpose I get when I start putting thoughts together. It’s me expressing my real self.

When I was searching for the quote above I ended up finding out stuff about Melville that I’m sure I learned but didn’t give a shit about when I was going through the motions as an English major. When he was in his 60s, years after Moby Dick was published, Melville worked as a customs inspector, because his literary work couldn’t support his family. The source also said that Melville was thought to be crazy.

Writing was where his crazy became genius. His genius wasn’t rewarded monetarily. For whatever reason, his works didn’t gain popularity until after his death. Moby Dick did not sell its initial printing of 3000 copies during Melville’s lifetime.

But, man that’s the beauty of writing that I’m discovering. It doesn’t fucking matter if I make any money doing this. Since I’ve picked up my pen in earnest…writing like a mad man…my life is full. I have purpose. I have stories to tell that affect people. And that’s what Melville discovered. He saw things that other people couldn’t see. It’s easy to call people like us crazy, like his in-laws did.

I don’t care how people see me. I just want the real me to come across on the page. I’ve discovered that thing that gives me life. Writing makes me healthier. I’d rather write and feel the feeling associated with it…the peace…the adrenaline…the rush that makes me not want to go sleep even though I need to be up in a few hours. I realize how blessed I am to have found that one thing that I’m supposed to do.

That’s the same type of feeling that achievement in academia gave the man who found that Melville quote about picking up his pen in earnest. He stumbled upon a hand-written note recapping a speech Melville had given at his college years earlier. It was an amazing, seemingly random discovery. But, he was meant to discover it.

It gave him a thirst to read. He devoured Melville and tons of other American literature. He wanted to write a novel, but couldn’t. So he read some more and discovered that where he truly excelled was as a student of other people’s work. He had profound insight. He was revered by his fellow students. But, he couldn’t have come to understand that’s where he fit without having discovered the notes to Melville’s speech.

I’m really unclear if that guy was a character in a novel or an actual human, but either way it fits. He had something happen to him that set him on a course to discover his true greatness. He’d been a football player and biology major. But, discovering Melville turned him into a student of literature. It made him come to life.

That’s the feeling I have these days. I was jolted awake from the life I was sleepwalking through and wound up here. There’s just this ease to my life that I’ve never known before. And I had to start writing a ton to get deeper into what’s inside me. I write about real shit and people respond. I’m not that fucking profound. I’m just telling stories and letting the thoughts formulate themselves on the page.

I was writing earlier about a web redemption that Daniel Tosh did on the boom goes the dynamite kid. He got to redeem himself by doing play by play with a pro, Gus Johnson. The kid had some great one liners to describe the basketball game such as “Titties!” But my favorite was “Easy. Breazy. Beautiful Covergirl.”

I love that. That’s my life. I’m thankful for what I have because I remember how painful it used to be to be me. When I first saw that boom goes the dynamite video, I laughed so hard at that kid, because I needed to. I needed him to be a failure, so that I wouldn’t feel so bad about my pathetic life.

But, when I rewatched it just now I felt awful for him. It wasn’t easy or breezy for him. And I know how shitty it feels to be an outcast. But, my whole fucking life is a web redemption. I’m getting another chance. And I’m discovering who I actually am and embracing that instead of trying to fit into the boxes that the world sets up for us to unnaturally squeeze in to.

I’ll close with a couple of clips from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. They’re from the episode where Charlie has a match dot com date. It’s the perfect example of trying to be someone you’re not. Mac and Dennis wouldn’t let Charlie be himself.

When you let other people tell you who you are like they do to Charlie when they’re filling out his match dot com profile, the net result is this scene where Charlie is pitting like a mofo and telling his date that he’s a “full on rapist”.

Sweaty. Uncomfortable. Words not coming out right, because they’re not your own. That’s what my life used to be like when I went through the motions and lived a Christianity that someone else told me to. Life got good for me when I dropped the bull shit and unleashed the real me, at first with the few people in my life who would listen and now with whoever takes the time to read what the real matthewblakeatkinson has to say out here.

I much prefer hanging around the people that like the real me and are willing to be real themselves. If your favorite hobby is magnets so be it. Maybe you’re into ghouls. That’s great. You’re most attractive when you’re yourself. Pure you. No lies. No keeping up appearances. No letting your in-laws tell you you’re crazy. In my world crazy is cool.