Grace...my biggest fan

Today the Artist’s Way had me thinking back to my biggest fans…those encouraging influences who believed in me before I did. It was really interesting. I thought of a couple of elementary school teachers, but there was a huge stretch where I don’t remember having big fans.

And, looking back it’s not that I didn’t have fans, I just couldn’t hear them because of the voice of my Censor…the enemy of my creative self-worth…was so powerful. Now that equation is flipped upside down…I can’t hear my detractors…the voice I listen to is one filled with grace.

And it’s crazy how my therapist giving me grace opened my eyes to so many other things. I remember several times walking out of her office and thinking, “Holy shit…it’s fall…look at the colors of the leaves.” Like, my soul upgraded from rabbit ears on a 12 inch black and white screen to full on big screen HD.

Prior to grace making an impact on me I used the wrong measuring system. My life was pass/fail. I tried like hell to be perfect and if I fucked up, I felt miserable. Grace showed me what I had never before seen…that you have to grade yourself on a curve.

Grace let me stop listening to the negative voices. I’m going to fuck up. But, life has been grand since I started taking it easier on myself and telling the narrator in my head that loved to remind me of my fuck ups that he can go fuck himself. Grace wins mofo.

And grace has allowed me to hear the people that say things like, “Matt, I can’t tell you how many times I read your story.” Or “You write really well.” Or “Can I get a copy of the Eulogy you wrote for your mom’s funeral.” Fans of my work are everywhere. They’ve been there all along, I just had such tunnel vision that I couldn’t see them.

Imagine that for yourself. That you’ve had a stadium full of people cheering you on your whole life. Are you like I was? I used to be slumped over, head down, earmuffs on, eyes closed…afraid to look…afraid to hear…because everything I felt about myself was negative and if I looked up and around I might be rejected all the more. But, man that feeling…looking up in disbelief as you see yourself being cheered on by the masses. That’s what grace does. It lets you see yourself as you really are…fucking beautiful. Final score Grace 1 Censor 0. And the crowd goes wild…