Villefort

“The only realistic way to end this is to eliminate the threat.” That’s a quote that struck me as I was watching Bourne Ultimatum. At the same time I was reading “The Count of Monte Cristo”. There was a scene where Villefort, the prosecutor, himself was accused in court of burying his newborn son alive. The accuser was the defendant in the trial Villefort was set to prosecute. And the accuser was, in fact, Villefort’s son, who he didn’t know was alive. If his son had lived it would have been a threat to his professional career since he wasn't married to the mother, so he had to eliminate the threat...an innocent baby.

The more the son got to tell the real story of his past, the more his confidence grew. Villefort’s confidence diminished in equal measure. The truth won out. The truth brought shame and an admittance of guilt to Villefort.

Years prior, Villefort had let Edmond Dantes go to prison unjustly in order to further his own career. Edmond had to suffer so that Villefort could succeed. But, karma or the hand of God or justice won out in the end, with Villefort losing everyone he held dear.

Tonight I read the gripping scene where Villefort rushes home from the court the day everyone found out he was an attempted murderer. He had told his wife to kill herself, because he knew she was guilty of poisoning four family members. But, once he was reminded of his own guilt, he had grace for her. He rushed home to whisk her away, but she’d already killed herself and their young son.

In that moment, he was left alone with his guilt, which drove him mad. We need the grace of our fellow fuck ups to keep us sane. When we’re forced to look at the reality of the shit that we’re capable of…the mistakes we make and how fucked up we really are…it can be extremely difficult.

Villefort lived his whole life judging, but blocked out his own guilt. Avoiding it…eliminating the threat. He chose not to look at the truth, because the truth was ugly and would force him to judge himself. Instead, he literally built himself up by judging others, becoming one of the richest and most esteemed men in Paris.

But, he had to step on a lot of people to get there. And really that’s the easy way, right? It’s easy to take on the accuser role…growing in confidence ourselves as we belittle or judge other people. I realized yesterday that since I’ve experienced grace and enjoyed the freedom that goes with talking about and dealing with difficult things, I expect everyone else to be like me.

But, every story is different and it took me a long fucking time to get to this point. For me to expect others to enter into uncomfortable stuff isn’t fair. If they’re not ready, I just have to let them be. I so want every relationship to be in order. If there’s something off in a friendship, I deeply desire to get it straight. But, not everyone is like that. And that’s okay.

I have a handful of significant relationships that are currently out of order. But, I can't dwell on them or expect them to be resolved on my own timeline. Sure it would be nice to get answers and hear explanations and get to where both parties can come to some understanding of each other. But, if one or more of the parties don’t want that or are scared to enter into that shit, I can’t beat myself up. I can take that downtime to work on myself. The fact might be that I'm the one who's not ready to deal with the stuff that have caused my relationships to be fucked up.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about a situation where we handled a conflict in two completely different ways. It was a while ago, but there was something about him saying yesterday that I had judgment for the way he handled it that made me pause.

I sat down and wrote about it and realized that I did have judgment. And that I was out of line to expect him to handle the situation like I did. I sent him what I wrote and it was really cool what happened. We both essentially gained respect for the other’s perspective, saying the other handled it right.

From that I took that it’s not my place to judge how people handle tough spots. I do it my way. They get to do it theirs. How we handle stuff all comes back to story. I remember in college it being so eye opening to watch people who had always done things a certain way at home see people who did things differently. There was this very natural assumption that most of us have that our way is best.

Maybe it’s not.

Villefort lived in denial of the truth. He was right. He was justified. But, in the end he was guiltier than anyone. There are few things I’ve encountered in life that are more frustrating than dealing with Villeforts.

They beat their chests and declare that they’re right even in the face of indisputable proof to the contrary. But, my job isn’t to judge them. Their story makes them prisoner to handling things in unhealthy ways. I can only try to see the best in them and hope that they can find the humility to accept that we’re all human. We all fail. We’re not always right.

I was thinking of a scene that played out with me and an old friend, as observed by a neutral third party. The more my friend talked. The less I talked. The more my friend’s voice got louder. The more I was silenced. The more my friend moved to the front of the chair. The more I shrank back in mine.

But, then the third party said something which blew my mind…“Matt’s right.” The truth won. The truth was a threat to my friend’s case. So my friend tried to eliminate the threat by talking louder and talking more. But, if the truth is really the ultimate judge, then we’re all fucked. None of us have a leg to stand on. So, I don’t judge my friend for handling things like that.

Instead, I need to give out the things that I constantly need from my friends: patience and grace. Life happens at all kinds of different paces. Where your life is going and where my life is going who knows. But, I love the times where our pace and our paths line up, if only for a little while, giving us a chance to learn and grow. I want to be better man…and this week I’m learning that part of that is just letting people do things their own way, not trying to force them or expect them to do life like me.