I'm Not David Letterman

When I wrote on the two hit wonder blog, I wanted to be an overnight success. I wanted all the uncomfortable feelings I had inside me to be fixed by fame and fortune. I’m so glad it didn’t happen that way.

The Artist’s Way talks about nurturing our artist child within. It says that our artist child flourishes when it has a sense of safety and self-acceptance. As I’m slowly coming to accept myself, my writing is different…it’s the real me on paper. Instead of writing to please others or writing to entertain, I’m just observing what’s going on in my world and trying to make sense of it. It’ll be funny in spots and heartbreaking in spots, but mostly I just want it to be real.

I used to not want to be me. I wanted to be David Letterman. He made me laugh like no other and I wanted to give to other people the same feeling he gave me. I could imagine nothing greater than what it must have felt like to Dave to be himself. But, that was me needing to be someone else, me needing other people’s laughter to compensate for the turmoil inside me. Even if I had had all the success in the world, I still would have been left with what made me seek other people’s approval in the first place…I was uncomfortable with me.

But, for the longest time, I refused to make changes...to try to come to terms with the uncomfortable inside me. I didn’t write at all, even though I know that’s who I am. Two Hit Wonder was good, in a sense, because it was me actually trying. It wasn’t me sitting on the sidelines, saying how unfunny Dane Cook is. It was me giving it a shot.

What I love about the Artist’s Way is that it talks about the growth of our creative artist within. We have to start somewhere. And two hit wonder was one of my somewheres. We can’t sprint out of the gate. We need to learn how to crawl, then walk, then drink too much, then stumble, then learn to walk again and maybe eventually we’ll be the writing equivalent of those creepy speed walkers at the mall.

Really though, seeing it as a process is a big deal for me. Not expecting everything I churn out to be the Mona Lisa of blogger dot com. I’m on a path. And along this path there’s a shit ton of stuff to write about. The reward and writing are one and the same. I love to write. The feeling it gives me is better than the feeling I could’ve gotten by making people laugh with a monologue and narrating stupid pet tricks. That's Dave's thing and it's creative as hell. It's just that it's not my thing.

Oh, man…just had one of those moments where I realized I’m here. This is the destination I’ve been seeking the whole time. Whether I write books or movies or just keep blogging it out it doesn’t fucking matter. I’m content. Right here. Right now. With this version of me. I’m a rough draft, but I have so much going for me and so many great people telling me that the stuff I’ve written already has impacted them.

Fame. Fortune. Who the fuck cares about that stuff? It can’t give me what I’ve got now…I’m making a difference in people’s lives and even in my own. My artist child is going to keep growing. It feels so good to be out of my rut and to be giving myself the opportunity to look foolish…to take risks…to put myself out there.

Not everyone is going to like me or what I write, but I like me and I love what I write. And that gives me the freedom to be my real self. I’m not caring if I’m making people laugh. And I’m not caring if people are laughing at me. Therefore, I am a success. But, it took a lot of work. I didn’t get to this magical place overnight. I had to battle the self-doubt and the what will that one guy think of this and all the voices that don't speak truth, but speak bullshit. Don't let the voices win. Be yourself. I’m not David Letterman. And that’s a good thing. My name is MatthewBlakeAtkinson.