I took my kids to the pool today. My daughter went off the diving board a few times. There was an energetic kid who was doing the same thing. A few minutes later we went back to the main pool and looked up to see half the lifeguards running to that energetic little guy’s aid. He was having a seizure.
It got the entire pool’s attention. Police arrived. Then paramedics. A crowd gathered. Fifteen minutes later came this heartbreaking announcement, “will the parents of a 9 or 10 year old boy in the orange swimsuit please come to the front desk?”
No one came.
The seizure prone little boy was left at the pool by himself. When he fell it wasn’t friends or family that came to his aid, it was strangers. The staff was great. They handled the situation very well. But, it was gut wrenching to realize how alone the boy must have felt. He fell. But, his people weren’t there to pick him up.
I fell last week. I had one of those rock bottom moments. I hurt a very good friend of mine. I let my kids down. I made some bad decisions that could have put me in an even worse spot. The next day I was down and letting it get the best of me. But, I reached out, because I knew I needed help to get back to good. And a friend turned me around.
I’ve had the greatest week since. I can’t take back the stupid things I’ve done. But, man I can have a good day today. I had a moment this week when I was doing great and making good decisions and I thought, “THIS is the real me.” But, that’s only partially true. The real me is all of it. The fuck ups. The successes. All of it put together is the real me. I’m so fucking human.
At times it’s a battle. Shit from my childhood. My divorce. Letting people I’m supposed to love down. Only getting to be a part-time dad. Drinking too much. Unrealized dreams. Through it all though, I feel like I’ve come out more real. I’m great, but I’m also a mess and I don’t mind putting it all out on the table for everyone to see. Here’s the real me…take me or leave me.
I remember talking to a good pal, who was going through some heavy shit in her life. I talked about that indescribable feeling two people get when one of them shares real shit. And the other, instead of judging or looking at you in horror, responds by closing their eyes, leaning their head back, and saying, “Thank God…I thought I was the only one that fucked up.”
So, give me story time. Give me the real. Give me unguarded. I want to be known man. Really known. Sure, I’m a goofball, bent on making people smile, but what really does it for me is having heart to hearts. And making sense out of life by sharing our struggles. I’m going to try to do both with this blog. I’ll show you my mental problems via my crazy sense of humor, but I’ll also show you the stuff that life is teaching me, some lessons are gentle, but man I seem to be pretty good at getting my ass kicked too.
Ultimately I don’t want to be like that kid having the seizure at the pool today. (Awful timing for a side story, but I just had a flashback to the time I faked a seizure at a packed McDonald’s after a high school football game. I’m just not quite right. :) ) Yeah, see, how am I supposed to get back to the serious now? Really though, I don’t want to be the kid who falls down and is looking desperately around for his friends and family, but no one’s there. I fucking need to get picked back up. A lot. Thankful for the good people in my life. I’m a lucky son of a bitch.
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