Since I started reading the Artist’s Way and writing 3 pages every morning, it’s amazing how much more aware I am of the lessons Life is putting before me. I think Life has more room to teach me if I intentionally make my pace slower than the world's pace. Today, I decided that I need to write down anything that strikes me…whether it’s something the kids say or a line from a book or a movie. I just need to take note in an effort to stay on top of things.
I write a list of physical things I need for the house and it works great. So, why not make a list of things that affect my soul/heart too? I feel like there’s too much to write about right now, but instead of worrying about not keeping up, I’ll just jot down the stuff that touches me and I bet I’ll end up seeing common themes that will end up being what I write about here.
Today I read this line in the Count of Monte Cristo, “There is neither happiness nor misery in the world, there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die…that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.”
Thinking back to me as a dead man….kicked out of the house, separated from my children, empty inside. I was completely defeated. But, grace intervened. Looking back it's not "omg dot com...that was so awful, why did that happen?" Instead I'm thankful for having lived through that, because it makes the happiness I feel now is so much greater.
I was thinking today how incredibly content I am. I am so happy. I have everything I need. Great kids. Great friends. A love for myself that I never used to have. It’s not necessarily happiness, but comparing it to where I was…this is like heaven on earth. The way I walk around these days, so comfortable in my own skin, so void of the self-hatred that used to dominate my thoughts.
It’s so cool these days to see actual evidence of progress. I’ve worked hard to better myself. I have a therapist. I’ve written on a super secret blog for the last 3 years…hundreds of posts, just trying to work out my shit and stay on top of life.
And I can’t remember having ever felt this on top. I don’t have a leading lady. I don’t have a creative career like I’ve always dreamed of, but I feel like I’m headed in a direction that has actual hope. And instead of blindly hoping for some miracle, I’m actually putting in the work to be a better person and writer.
I used to write from such a needy place. My humor and my writing needed other people’s laughter to tell me I was great. But, these days I like myself. And my writing is an expression of the real me. Writing breathes life into me. I need it. If it does good for anyone else, that’s secondary. I love hearing from people about how my writing impacted them, but it’s just gravy these days instead of my fuel.
Again with the measuring…I used to run on empty and depended on other people to put a few bucks in my tank. These days, I feel like my tank is overfull. The Artist’s Way talked tonight about measuring ourselves as artists. Especially when we’re starting out, we can’t measure ourselves against great artists or measure ourselves by feedback we do or don’t get. Art doesn’t have scales. That’s what makes it great. It touches the hearts and souls that it’s supposed to touch. It’s not about who’s the best artist. It’s about creating…expressing yourself.
And I’m finally comfortable calling myself an artist. There’s no “oh what will this or that person think” or “I don’t want people to read my stuff”. It’s, “here I am motherfuckers…taste my words on your lips…you can spit or swallow…doesn’t matter…I’ll keep doing what I love either way and enjoy the people that join me on my ride.” Buckle up buttercup...for a really slow ride with frequent stops. Life has a lot to teach us.
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