Self-conscious

“Inspiration may be a form of superconsciousness, or perhaps subconsciousness—I wouldn’t know. But I am sure it is the antithesis of self-consciousness.”

I love that. Inspiration being something that gives you the freedom to be completely yourself. In fact, it’s an extension of you without any worry or concern as to what other people might think. You’re free to express the real you…the deepest parts of yourself…without fear.

It was kind of cool for me to look back, after I started this blog, on the other blogs I’ve done throughout the years. How my writing has changed as I’ve changed. How inspiration has changed for me.

I was so friggin self-conscious during the two hit wonder era. I wrote some stuff that was brilliant. But, man if I didn’t get positive feedback, it was so easy for me to doubt myself and my ability.

Next came the 80s music blog. There’s some great stuff on there too. The inspired stuff was some of my best writing. But, instead of running with that, I lost what made it great. I tried to commercialize it. I substituted quantity for quality. Instead of staying true to the art, I tried to make it into a database for 80s songs. That’s not me. That’s not inspired. I looked at what Google ads could make me and lost the part of it that gave me life…taking a goofy video and commenting on it in a way the only I can.

Next was the Craigslist blog. Again…funny stuff, but man I just couldn’t maintain.

Ultimately, with all three blogs it was going away from myself or doubting myself that led to their undoing. Failures? No…I don’t see them like that. It’s really helpful for me to look back and see how far I’ve come.

Watching the video that got me fired from Sprint on my two hit wonder blog. Who is that guy? The writing is close, but the delivery just isn’t there. I had no passion. My life, who I really am had been sucked out of me.

So thankful to be who I am today. So thankful to be where I am. My self-consciousness is mostly obsolete. I remember first getting on facebook and filtering myself based on who my friends were and what they would think. No man. That’s not it. Just be me. I’ve been embraced by people everywhere I’ve gone in my life. It’s so freeing to let everything go and be real.

I’ve written a blog ever since I first got kicked out of the house. It’s my real shit. It’s been locked down so that only a handful of my closest friends have access to it. But, it’s time for me to be more public with what I have to say. Those who are meant to read my stuff will read it. Those that don’t get it won’t. My only job is to take a look at my world. To tell stories. To give my perspective. I’m not trying to make money. Or get people’s approval. I’m just putting my heart out there.

And man, that’s so much easier to do as I continue to become less self-conscious. I fuck up a lot, but I’m also pretty great. I’ve lived so much of my life with a little voice that focused on my fuck ups, lately I’ve silenced that voice by listening to the chorus of people throughout my life that have told me how great I am. I believe them. Fuck the negative voice. The voice of self-consiousness. Inspiration is the opposite of that voice. It's the voice that recognizes our greatness and convinces us that we have something worthwhile to give to others.